Joan Rivers Quotes

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in...

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks...

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is...

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all ...

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my fac...

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you ca...

…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and pun...

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has te...

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and emb...

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused ...

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do...

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a cr...

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world ...

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back...

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be clean...

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, t...

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridic...

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a but...

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a...

I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wa...

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of oth...

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymor...

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full th...

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people st...

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through ano...

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all ov...

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven...

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think yo...

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out...

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the f...

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means y...

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Pass...

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog ...

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into m...

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can ...

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong...

We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it t...

Never floss with a stranger.